Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Disaster of the Day

I've gone so long without a disaster that it almost seemed that my luck had changed. Silly girl. I found out this evening that absolutely no one I know has a key to my house. I also found out that the glass in the back door window is apparently tempered, shatter-proof, and hysteria proof. Also, the lock, which I assumed by looking at it was pretty flimsy, is not in fact flimsy at all. Oh, and my husband can sleep through anything. Fire alarms, sonic booms, telephones ringing, frantic pounding, etc. etc. I locked myself out on the back porch. Why was I out there at ten o' clock at night? Is that really important? I was locked out, and that's all you need to know. One of the guys next door kindly offered his Bullmoose Rewards card to the cause, and said I could keep it. Good thing, since it's in pieces now. I need to learn how to break and enter more effectively. I'll put that on my list of things to do before I'm forty. The last time I was locked out of my house, I was four years old and even though my parents were home and would have let me in if I had waited two seconds, I decided to throw a rock through the window. It smashed through the window just as my father walked onto the porch to let me in. It made a great cat door for Chessy. Since that was so successful, I thought I'd try it again. I went out to the yard and got a piece of a broken cinder block and did my best to smash that window. I got sparks off that rock, but no broken glass. It's probably just as well. I managed to cut my knuckle even without any broken glass. After calling repeatedly for about twenty minutes, my loving husband finally heard the phone and got up to answer it. Tomorrow I'm going to the hardware store to have a dozen spare keys made. I will sleep well tonight, knowing that my home is practically invasion proof!


Alex said...


What were you doing out on the porch at Ten O'clock at night, anyway?

kate said...

chuckle, chuckle... alex suggested i check out your blog because 1)i admire your work on that icy hill in shrewsbury so many years ago 2)he likes to soapbox about blogging 3)he knew that i would thoroughly enjoy reading the writings of a gourmet knitting disasterish person. thank you for a well written blog - i laugh out loud. and thank goodness for your early intervention with alex - i hate to think how he might have turned out without it!

Alex said...

Oh, hardy, har, har.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Just about the last thing in the world I need is the two of you teaming up.


Heather said...

Hello Kate!
Thanks for your kind words. I really did appreciate them, at least after I stopped running around in circles, freaking out because someone was actually reading this. Ask Alex, it's true.

And I'm just glad I could have some influence over him, even though I could have done more if I was allowed more time.

And you, Alex....

I suspect that you did intend all along for Kate and I to meet. It's completely your fault that this blog is out here being read by people at all! We should start calling you the Puppet Master. In a loving fashion, of course...

Alex said...

If you ever call me ANYTHING in a "loving fashion" I'm going to suggest that somebody check you over for infected deer ticks.

What she means, when she says she wishes she had more time, is...more time to use the stick she used to beat me with. (I have no idea why, either, because I was such an angelic child.)

Heather said...

Uh-huh. Yeah. So, shall I post a picture of my hand? You know, the one that has a piece of graphite in it? From that pencil you stabbed me with? It's softened up nicely over the last twenty five years, but it's still quite visible in case anyone is interested.

kate said...

perhaps alex introduced us because of the massive amount of guilt he harbors in his curmudgeonly little heart. are we meant to provide therapy to each other alex?

or perhaps, alex realizes that a woman who has an agreement with her husband that he should only come running into the kitchen if she yells "hospital" (she swears like a sailor in the kitchen, so a code word for *real* emergencies had to be established), might feel a bit less like a fantastic disaster herself when faced with the gourmet knitting variety.

OR alex knows he's a pain in my butt and he's trying to blame it on you and get some sympathy to boot. i think he's too smart to expect that... but we do all have our foolish daydreams.

Alex said...


It's so much more simple than that...I figured you simply DESERVE each other.

1) Beat me with a stick.
2) Poured a Can of Paint down my shirt.
3) Bit... BIT! Mind You! Right through my winter coat and into my sholder which bled and scarred.

and she gets upset just because I happened to stab her hand with an itty-little number two pencil.

Hell! For all I know...I may not have even done it on purpose much.

Don't try to fool anybody...you were always about as helpless as a baby tyranosaur.

Hmmmphf...grrumamphelmumble rasrafrashinabia aldooushious ritsoracting khoihgthierntisn. .......

Heather said...

I remember you wielding more than one stick yourself, mister. It was always sword fights and pirates and the like with you. What the hell did you expect? Picking on a girl! You got everything you deserved! And you kept coming back for more, so who is really at fault here?

You wouldn't have gotten paint down your shirt if
a.) you hadn't been such a wimp and flinched and
b.) you hadn't provoked me in some unspeakable way.

As for the biting, my husband has a theory about that, but this not about me, it's about you!

Anyway, what has Kate ever done to supposedly deserve me?

Kate, you sound like my kind of girl! I had to apologize to my boss the other day, and actually used the phrase "swear like a sailor" about myself. I think it's so much more effective when foul language comes from an innocent face. Do you have a magnetic force field around you that shorts out large pieces of machinery too? I feel like I've found a long lost sister...

kate said...

oh heather, funny you should mention magnetic force field - it does nothing useful like keep alex at a safe distance when he is feeling mischievous... but i once touched the multi-line phone at work only to have all the lines light up at once. i heard a crackle and then it went dead. our phone tech (i work at a university) said that a part had actually popped out of the wall in the control room(down the hall). my coworkers told me it was the static from my curly hair. i have a healthy fear of my own hair - and this is just one reason why.

also, alex is definitely a master of unspeakable provocation. the paint, the stick, the bite, all natural consequences.

i agree about swearing like a cherub. makes people wonder how sane you really are - and then they decide not to tempt fate. looks like shirley temple, spits nails, time to go. unless you're alex, and then you poke the bear with a stick and... (you know what i'm gonna say) natural consequences.