LOA

Ahhhh...spring! Finally! I think. I mean, I hope this is spring. Is it? It's warm and sunny. How can you tell when spring has finally arrived?

There is one sure way to tell when spring is here. Spring brings out a certain male of the species known as the Loud Overcompensating A**. You can often spot them by their plumage, usually a sportscar, a large SUV or occasionally a motorcycle. No matter what outer plumage is chosen, the LOAs will have many things in common, starting with the amplified muffler. This is so females of the species can hear them coming from great distances. The female can then attempt to flee, but often the LOA is driving so fast that they can easily overtake her. Another way to know if this might be an LOA is by their mating call. This call can take many forms, but there will always be an undertone of bass that is capable of rattling windows from three blocks away. This may be done in an effort to stun the female of the species, rendering her helpless against their advances. When an LOA is without their noisy plumage, they can often be found in driveways and on porches, roofs and steps. In this environment you will often see beer bottles, frisbees, radios and lawn chairs. Don't be fooled, these are still LOAs. They will often be heard singing loudly and off-key to Bob Marley songs. (I have nothing against Bob Marley - in fact I'm quite disgusted in the treatment he receives from the LOA).

No matter what environment you find and LOA in, don't be alarmed. They are simply trying to distract you from the fact that they have extremely small brains (some say their brains are roughly the size of a walnut) and even smaller d**ks.