I have problems with electrical things. I have so many problems with electrical things that someone suggested to me yesterday that I go get my aura cleansed. Apparently I'm a ticking time-bomb, walking around shorting things out.
I started thinking about the possibility that this was caused by some strange electromagnetic force that is actually coming from me. I don't know if there is any science to support this theory, but I can't come up with any other explanation. In the past ten years, my presence has ruined two water heaters, two refrigerators, a dish washer, a clothes dryer and two furnaces. Computers cower before me and die, sadly beeping. Light bulbs pop and go out as I walk through my house. I can't touch anything metal, anywhere, without getting a shock. I have to put my hand somewhere on my husband before kissing him, or we both get shocked. (No, that is not what I mean!) I once lived in a house that had a light fixture in the laundry room that wouldn't work. We even had an electrician out twice to figure it out. His only suggestion was to run new wiring and get a new fixture. That sounded fairly expensive, so we didn't bother. Shortly after I moved out, the light started working again, and it's been fine ever since. The fluorescent lights in my office at work need to be replaced every couple of months. There are lights in this building that have yet to be replaced after more than two years. The lights in our parking lot don't work. Street lights go out as I drive by them.
My most common victim is cars. My first car had a problem with the wiring that we didn't know about until it spontaneously combusted in our driveway. My second car, which I had for four years, went through two alternators, a starter and three batteries. The next car was okay for most of it's time with me, but the last two years were more of the same kinds of trouble. I'd be driving along and it would just slow down, the lights would dim and it would finally stop. Two more batteries and an alternator later, it finally stopped being my problem. That car ran for years for it's next owner. After that, I had a small truck for about a year. I got rid of that after sparks started shooting out from under the dashboard. If a car is trying to get my attention like that, I figure it must be serious. Then, along came my current car, my wonderful little Honda. This is the longest I've managed to keep a car without it bursting into flames or getting totaled, so I'm very attached to it. It almost caught on fire about three years ago, but that really wasn't my fault. I swear. I had nothing to do with it. Anyway, it is thirteen years old, and I don't even want to consider getting something else. I know the former owner of this car, and she never had a moment of trouble with it. I had it for about a year when the alternator had to be replaced. For the first time. It has been replaced three times in the seven years I've owned it. It has gotten two new starters in four years. I can't even tell you how many batteries it has eaten. She likes batteries. They're like potato chips to her, you can't eat just one!
Yesterday, on my way to work, I noticed a few things going on with my car. The wipers weren't moving very quickly and the windows were barely going up and down. The dash lights seemed dim. Someone asked me how I could tell that the dash lights were dim when it was so bright out. Well, that's another interesting story. My anti-lock brakes don't work, because the electrical pump that sends fluid to the anti-lock braking system has shorted out and I can't afford to replace it. Even if I did, it wouldn't last. So the bright yellow ABS light is always on when I drive. I could tell the lights were dimming because it wasn't it's usual shockingly bright yellow. I got to the store where I usually stop for coffee in the morning, and the battery light came on. What a surprise. I turned around and went back a little way to the Honda dealership, and they took the car for the day. They can't find anything wrong with it. Everything was perfect. Of course its perfect! I'm not in the car! They did suggest that it was probably the alternator getting ready to not be working anymore. Also not surprising. So, they're going to get to keep my car and feed her another new alternator. And I'm considering going to get my aura cleansed.