Thursday, February 22, 2007

Electromagnetic Anomaly?

I have problems with electrical things. I have so many problems with electrical things that someone suggested to me yesterday that I go get my aura cleansed. Apparently I'm a ticking time-bomb, walking around shorting things out.

I started thinking about the possibility that this was caused by some strange electromagnetic force that is actually coming from me. I don't know if there is any science to support this theory, but I can't come up with any other explanation. In the past ten years, my presence has ruined two water heaters, two refrigerators, a dish washer, a clothes dryer and two furnaces. Computers cower before me and die, sadly beeping. Light bulbs pop and go out as I walk through my house. I can't touch anything metal, anywhere, without getting a shock. I have to put my hand somewhere on my husband before kissing him, or we both get shocked. (No, that is not what I mean!) I once lived in a house that had a light fixture in the laundry room that wouldn't work. We even had an electrician out twice to figure it out. His only suggestion was to run new wiring and get a new fixture. That sounded fairly expensive, so we didn't bother. Shortly after I moved out, the light started working again, and it's been fine ever since. The fluorescent lights in my office at work need to be replaced every couple of months. There are lights in this building that have yet to be replaced after more than two years. The lights in our parking lot don't work. Street lights go out as I drive by them.

My most common victim is cars. My first car had a problem with the wiring that we didn't know about until it spontaneously combusted in our driveway. My second car, which I had for four years, went through two alternators, a starter and three batteries. The next car was okay for most of it's time with me, but the last two years were more of the same kinds of trouble. I'd be driving along and it would just slow down, the lights would dim and it would finally stop. Two more batteries and an alternator later, it finally stopped being my problem. That car ran for years for it's next owner. After that, I had a small truck for about a year. I got rid of that after sparks started shooting out from under the dashboard. If a car is trying to get my attention like that, I figure it must be serious. Then, along came my current car, my wonderful little Honda. This is the longest I've managed to keep a car without it bursting into flames or getting totaled, so I'm very attached to it. It almost caught on fire about three years ago, but that really wasn't my fault. I swear. I had nothing to do with it. Anyway, it is thirteen years old, and I don't even want to consider getting something else. I know the former owner of this car, and she never had a moment of trouble with it. I had it for about a year when the alternator had to be replaced. For the first time. It has been replaced three times in the seven years I've owned it. It has gotten two new starters in four years. I can't even tell you how many batteries it has eaten. She likes batteries. They're like potato chips to her, you can't eat just one!

Yesterday, on my way to work, I noticed a few things going on with my car. The wipers weren't moving very quickly and the windows were barely going up and down. The dash lights seemed dim. Someone asked me how I could tell that the dash lights were dim when it was so bright out. Well, that's another interesting story. My anti-lock brakes don't work, because the electrical pump that sends fluid to the anti-lock braking system has shorted out and I can't afford to replace it. Even if I did, it wouldn't last. So the bright yellow ABS light is always on when I drive. I could tell the lights were dimming because it wasn't it's usual shockingly bright yellow. I got to the store where I usually stop for coffee in the morning, and the battery light came on. What a surprise. I turned around and went back a little way to the Honda dealership, and they took the car for the day. They can't find anything wrong with it. Everything was perfect. Of course its perfect! I'm not in the car! They did suggest that it was probably the alternator getting ready to not be working anymore. Also not surprising. So, they're going to get to keep my car and feed her another new alternator. And I'm considering going to get my aura cleansed.

11 comments:

Kate said...

i see word art in your aura - very much like the old live action batman series. >ZING!< *POW* }ZAP!{. oooh, my better half is a comic book artist - we should get him to draw a before/after cartoon of you and your aura. you could use it as a logo for business cards, and offer to do appliance exorcisms. not your fault if things don't work after the evil spirit has departed. *ZAP!* )KAPOW!(

Heather said...

I would absolutely love that, actually! I just told Mark last night that he needed to look for his comic. His website says they carry it at Jumpgate Sci-Fi in Portsmouth, and I work right up the street from them. Mark and I go there fairly often, so I'm hoping to pick it up. I can see something with lightning bolts shooting away from me, with little fires in my wake.

Kate said...

the comic is older work, and was left w/ jumpgate eons ago (seven years now?). so they may be out. but you could go to alex's work website and see the cherubic animation he's done recently. or "tom ball's summer" on steve's website (that'd be my dad - spittin' image). dad said he wanted an interactive squirt gun website and steve complied. my mother wanted a disaster website called don'tworrymom.com (that phrase always a sure bet for disaster to follow she says). the latter doesn't exist yet, but mostly because her disasterous children are still perpetrating content.

i really love to volunteer steve for random work, it's a favorite pasttime. he did a skull and crossbones sketch for the front of my book of collected recipes - it's made out of kitchen items, and i love it. i keep bugging him to draw "us" - our group of friends. understandably, he's nervous about how people will respond to his rendering of them. he always gives me that "you're kidding me of course" smile, but says "yeah, uh-huh" and then distracts me w/ another subject. i want steve to draw alex as a character named jaws churchill who's familiar is a cute little fluffy kitty w/ a cigarette smoker's gravelly voice. what would your sidekick be? and what on earth would we call you?

jess said...

Maybe instead of an aura cleansing you need a good shock !!(electrical, not psychological!)
Zap it all right outta you!

Heather said...

Frankly, a good shock is just what I'm afraid of! I'm terrified to pump gas into my car. You know those warnings to discharge static electricity before opeing your gas tank? 'Cause if you don't, you'll die a horrible firey death? That will be me.

Kate, I think that a sweet looking bunny with a foul mouth and a bad attitude would be the most appropriate. Possibly holding a bloody, gory, knittin needle.

Where the hell is Jaws, anyway?

Kate said...

listen for the music... duuunh dunh, duuunh dunh...

Alex said...

Here!

Alex said...

COMMENT MODERATION?
Phewy, that's IT...I'm outa here.

Authentication is one thing, but if I don't get the instant gratification of seeing my words and mispe;;ings getih upoted imediahly ...well, feddly de dee.

I ain't a gonna let you chicks censor me!

Bye!

Alex said...

Actually,

Bobbi has done several of the best renderings of me...and the least respectful...I'm not sure Steve could top it, actually.

Kate said...

alex, bobbi makes germs and diseases out of felt for the pathology dept. christmas tree... is that what you're referring to by "best renderrings of me"?

and i rather like the idea of a shark in a waistcoat thank you very much. tea time would be an entirely different event.

Alex said...

Not that I am poo poing the idea of a shark in a waistcoat, but Bobbi has a sick talent for being able to rattle off increadibly unflattering yet devistatingly accurate sketches of your's truly.