I might be back

Hey, it's nice to see you again... I'm feeling much more relaxed and I'm not feeling the need to take copious amounts of my anti-anxiety medication. For those of you who emailed and asked, it wasn't anything to do with family, or illness, or accidents. Because of what I do for a living, I really can't say exactly what happened to send me close to a nervous breakdown, but I think we are now in a place where we can start behaving normally. If nothing else, the most obvious thing learned from this is that I have got to get out of banking.

The main reason to break the blog silence is that after complaining for at least a year about my lack of a laptop computer, I now have a laptop computer! There's nothing like an anxiety attack to send a girl right out to spend too much money, is there? I'm completely and totally in love with this thing. I got a Toshiba Satellite on sale last weekend and so far, I'm really very impressed. Now I can sit on the couch and blog and surf aimlessly while watching Alton Brown on the Food Network. It doesn't get much better than that, now does it? I'm also pleased that I'm not hating Windows Vista as much as I had been warned. I am afraid that I will end up bankrupting myself buying new games to play on it, since it seems that many things I already have are not willing to play nicely with Vista.

Another reason to blog is that we had a little bit of a scare the other night. Right around 8:45 Monday night, I heard some strange sounds and went out on the deck. It was dark and quiet and at first nothing seemed wrong. Then I heard and saw what looked like fireworks, which might be unusual this time of year, but there are quite a few college age people around here who like fireworks, so I didn't think much of it. Then I heard someone yelling and suddenly there were sparks in the air, and smoke billowing from a building about five houses away from us. I ran back inside and went to the front window for a better view, and there were flames shooting up the entire front of the building. I don't think I realized just how fast fire moves. I ran upstairs to get Mark, and by the time I got back downstairs, it was really bad. Bad enough that the sparks (Who am I kidding? These were big flaming chucks of wood flying through the air) drifting over our roof made me start looking for the cat carrier, and deciding what to do and if we should be getting ready to leave. I like to be prepared, you know. We were also a little concerned because from what we could tell at the time, the building on fire was right next to the building that Mark's cousin lives in. It was a while before anyone felt like relaxing and going to bed. Fortunately no one was hurt, mostly because no one was home, and a neighbor even got the dog and two cats from the house out. It certainly made me think about our own fire safety plan. You never think it will happen to you, but it can. Sometimes being overly anxious and extra prepared can pay off.

Turkey with a side of disaster

This is not my home, thank goodness. I should have sensed a disaster day in the making when I read Heather's post - an earthquake?! Yesterday, someone launched their car into the air and through a living room wall the next town over - can you imagine a car in your living room? And the disoriented driver wandering around your home?

Anyway, the Better Half and I were home, adding up the day. He was kicking himself for a traffic ticket he'd garnered, and I was pulling turkey day ingredients out of our cabinets and muttering things like "Corn syrup, check. Pecans - need 'em". We went out to dinner to decompress a bit, and to do the last of the holiday grocery shopping (you can never have enough cranberries). I needed just one (more) skein of wool for a gift I'm making, so we stopped at a local craft store that carries decent yarn right next door to the grocery store. I found my yarn (and a few other things besides), and we hopped back into the car. On the way over to the grocery store, we heard the wheel rubbing. Somebody had backed into our bumper, cracked the headlight and dented our front fender in enough to make the wheel scrape when we hit bumps.

We were going to go to the Cape to see family on Friday... eat pulled pork and sweet potatoes, sew a slip cover for the futon, walk on the beach, have a fire in the fireplace... and because some rotten individual 1) didn't pay attention and 2) didn't stop and leave their name and contact information, we may not be doing that. Deductibles being what they are, we will probably be paying for this all by our little selves. The Better Half has the car at work today, and a sympathetic coworker may just be able to help us out enough to get us safely on the road for the weekend.

I'm an odd mix of cynicism and naivete. I'm rarely surprised but often terribly disappointed with how bad people can be sometimes. Thank god for car-guy coworkers, they help balance out my feelings about the people around me.

May you have your favorite holiday eats on the table this week, good company, helpful and kind people to offset the nasty types, and a better half who would never blame a fender dent on the fact that you needed yarn.

Merry Turkey!

Disaster of the Day

Okay, this isn't really my disaster. Well, it is. It happened to me, but it wasn't caused by me.

When I have time in the morning on my way to work I stop for coffee. I always go to the same place, primarily because of Mac. He is the older gentleman who mans the coffee station. That doesn't require much, so he's primarily there to talk to people. He keeps me informed about any local politics or issues I need to know about and I can always get the final score from the game last night. It's an important part of my morning and I don't tend to get my coffee anywhere else.

There is one small thing that makes my morning coffee experience a little trying. There is a person on the cash register who has no business being anywhere near it. I don't think I ever see her without something needing to be voided. The other day I had to convince her that no matter what the magic computer said, I did not in fact owe her $17.07 for a coffee and the newspaper. It's good coffee, but not that good. She is always completely convinced that she is right and I am wrong, making it necessary for the owner to come out of the back to fix it. They have a new tool that should help things a little. It's one of those scanners that reads the bar code on your item. Coffee is not one of the things that can be scanned, they just key in $1.09 and I give them money. She doesn't understand this at all. This morning she picked up my coffee and looked for the bar code to scan. When she didn't find it she turned the coffee upside down to look for it. I think you can guess what happened next. The cover came off, and coffee went everywhere. On the counter, on the floor, on her, on me, on the pile of newspapers on the counter, on the magic computer. Everywhere. She put the cup down and asked me for the $1.09 as if nothing had happened. I handed her the exact change (it really isn't worth trying to get money back from her) and then I went back to Mac who gave me paper towels to clean myself up, while he went up front to swab the decks. I poured myself a new cup of coffee, thanked Mac, and headed out. Until I hear the register girl screaming at me for walking out without paying for my coffee. She actually thought I should pay for the second coffee. I just shook my head at Mac and kept walking. I'd be afraid to go back in there tomorrow just in case she attacks me, but I'm guessing that she won't remember me at all.

LOA

Ahhhh...spring! Finally! I think. I mean, I hope this is spring. Is it? It's warm and sunny. How can you tell when spring has finally arrived?

There is one sure way to tell when spring is here. Spring brings out a certain male of the species known as the Loud Overcompensating A**. You can often spot them by their plumage, usually a sportscar, a large SUV or occasionally a motorcycle. No matter what outer plumage is chosen, the LOAs will have many things in common, starting with the amplified muffler. This is so females of the species can hear them coming from great distances. The female can then attempt to flee, but often the LOA is driving so fast that they can easily overtake her. Another way to know if this might be an LOA is by their mating call. This call can take many forms, but there will always be an undertone of bass that is capable of rattling windows from three blocks away. This may be done in an effort to stun the female of the species, rendering her helpless against their advances. When an LOA is without their noisy plumage, they can often be found in driveways and on porches, roofs and steps. In this environment you will often see beer bottles, frisbees, radios and lawn chairs. Don't be fooled, these are still LOAs. They will often be heard singing loudly and off-key to Bob Marley songs. (I have nothing against Bob Marley - in fact I'm quite disgusted in the treatment he receives from the LOA).

No matter what environment you find and LOA in, don't be alarmed. They are simply trying to distract you from the fact that they have extremely small brains (some say their brains are roughly the size of a walnut) and even smaller d**ks.

Electromagnetic Anomaly?

I have problems with electrical things. I have so many problems with electrical things that someone suggested to me yesterday that I go get my aura cleansed. Apparently I'm a ticking time-bomb, walking around shorting things out.

I started thinking about the possibility that this was caused by some strange electromagnetic force that is actually coming from me. I don't know if there is any science to support this theory, but I can't come up with any other explanation. In the past ten years, my presence has ruined two water heaters, two refrigerators, a dish washer, a clothes dryer and two furnaces. Computers cower before me and die, sadly beeping. Light bulbs pop and go out as I walk through my house. I can't touch anything metal, anywhere, without getting a shock. I have to put my hand somewhere on my husband before kissing him, or we both get shocked. (No, that is not what I mean!) I once lived in a house that had a light fixture in the laundry room that wouldn't work. We even had an electrician out twice to figure it out. His only suggestion was to run new wiring and get a new fixture. That sounded fairly expensive, so we didn't bother. Shortly after I moved out, the light started working again, and it's been fine ever since. The fluorescent lights in my office at work need to be replaced every couple of months. There are lights in this building that have yet to be replaced after more than two years. The lights in our parking lot don't work. Street lights go out as I drive by them.

My most common victim is cars. My first car had a problem with the wiring that we didn't know about until it spontaneously combusted in our driveway. My second car, which I had for four years, went through two alternators, a starter and three batteries. The next car was okay for most of it's time with me, but the last two years were more of the same kinds of trouble. I'd be driving along and it would just slow down, the lights would dim and it would finally stop. Two more batteries and an alternator later, it finally stopped being my problem. That car ran for years for it's next owner. After that, I had a small truck for about a year. I got rid of that after sparks started shooting out from under the dashboard. If a car is trying to get my attention like that, I figure it must be serious. Then, along came my current car, my wonderful little Honda. This is the longest I've managed to keep a car without it bursting into flames or getting totaled, so I'm very attached to it. It almost caught on fire about three years ago, but that really wasn't my fault. I swear. I had nothing to do with it. Anyway, it is thirteen years old, and I don't even want to consider getting something else. I know the former owner of this car, and she never had a moment of trouble with it. I had it for about a year when the alternator had to be replaced. For the first time. It has been replaced three times in the seven years I've owned it. It has gotten two new starters in four years. I can't even tell you how many batteries it has eaten. She likes batteries. They're like potato chips to her, you can't eat just one!

Yesterday, on my way to work, I noticed a few things going on with my car. The wipers weren't moving very quickly and the windows were barely going up and down. The dash lights seemed dim. Someone asked me how I could tell that the dash lights were dim when it was so bright out. Well, that's another interesting story. My anti-lock brakes don't work, because the electrical pump that sends fluid to the anti-lock braking system has shorted out and I can't afford to replace it. Even if I did, it wouldn't last. So the bright yellow ABS light is always on when I drive. I could tell the lights were dimming because it wasn't it's usual shockingly bright yellow. I got to the store where I usually stop for coffee in the morning, and the battery light came on. What a surprise. I turned around and went back a little way to the Honda dealership, and they took the car for the day. They can't find anything wrong with it. Everything was perfect. Of course its perfect! I'm not in the car! They did suggest that it was probably the alternator getting ready to not be working anymore. Also not surprising. So, they're going to get to keep my car and feed her another new alternator. And I'm considering going to get my aura cleansed.

Disaster of the Day

I almost set myself on fire. For dinner, I went with the decidedly un-gourmet fresh packaged tortellini and alfredo sauce, with a salad and garlic bread. While the pasta boiled away, I put the sauce on the back burner to warm up. I chose the back burner because it's the only one without food burned on to it, and it's the only one that doesn't currently smell. For some reason that was apparently beyond me, the sauce wasn't getting warm, but there was definitely a burning smell. I leaned over and peered into the pot, as if that would answer my question. Then I smelled something very different, but kept leaning over that damned stove. I'm not too swift at seven o'clock on a Friday after work. Finally, I moved away from the stove and notice that the smoky smell was actually coming from me. More to the point, it was coming from my favorite powder-blue hoodie, which was on fire. Apparently I had turned on the front burner instead, and leaned right onto it while trying to figure out the reason for the cold alfredo. For long enough for it to catch fire. I'm going to go lie down now.

Disaster of the Day

I've gone so long without a disaster that it almost seemed that my luck had changed. Silly girl. I found out this evening that absolutely no one I know has a key to my house. I also found out that the glass in the back door window is apparently tempered, shatter-proof, and hysteria proof. Also, the lock, which I assumed by looking at it was pretty flimsy, is not in fact flimsy at all. Oh, and my husband can sleep through anything. Fire alarms, sonic booms, telephones ringing, frantic pounding, etc. etc. I locked myself out on the back porch. Why was I out there at ten o' clock at night? Is that really important? I was locked out, and that's all you need to know. One of the guys next door kindly offered his Bullmoose Rewards card to the cause, and said I could keep it. Good thing, since it's in pieces now. I need to learn how to break and enter more effectively. I'll put that on my list of things to do before I'm forty. The last time I was locked out of my house, I was four years old and even though my parents were home and would have let me in if I had waited two seconds, I decided to throw a rock through the window. It smashed through the window just as my father walked onto the porch to let me in. It made a great cat door for Chessy. Since that was so successful, I thought I'd try it again. I went out to the yard and got a piece of a broken cinder block and did my best to smash that window. I got sparks off that rock, but no broken glass. It's probably just as well. I managed to cut my knuckle even without any broken glass. After calling repeatedly for about twenty minutes, my loving husband finally heard the phone and got up to answer it. Tomorrow I'm going to the hardware store to have a dozen spare keys made. I will sleep well tonight, knowing that my home is practically invasion proof!

Wedding Ring

My husband tried to lose his wedding ring this weekend. This happens to people fairly often, I'm sure, but it's an awful feeling. We were both trying to be brave and confident that it would turn up, but we weren't fooling anyone, I don't think. Neither of us take them off very often, so it was a mystery as to where it might have gone. Our place is old, and has all the little nooks and crannies you think are charming until you're on your hands and knees with a flashlight, peering at one hundred years worth of dirt and detritus under the radiators. All sorts of irrational thoughts went through my head. Are we still married? Did he lose it on purpose? Was it his subconscious way of throwing me out as well? I felt guilty about having these thoughts, and somewhat confused as well. How can a symbol like that come to mean so much? How would we activate our powers without our rings?

The story does have a happy ending, though. At first light the next morning, we went outside, and by some miracle we found it. There it was, lying on the lawn, right on top of a pile of dirt and leaves. No searching, no pawing through the brush. It was just there, waiting for us to find it. Maybe we had the powers all along, and really didn't need the rings. I'm glad to have it back, though, more than I can say.

"Wonder Twin powers, activate!"

Disaster of the Day

On my way to work this morning, I stopped for coffee, like I often do. My car is not just a mode of transportation for me, it also transports an amazing array of crap. When I got into the car, I needed to place the coffee on the middle console so I could remove the two old cups from the cup holder. Part of my brain knew I was heading in the wrong direction, but it was early, and I ignored it. After removing the old cups, I didn't immediately put the new coffee in the holder. Instead, I took my purse off my lap and tried to put it on the seat next to me. Of course, the strap caught the new cup of coffee and sent it flying through the air, landing upside down on the floor, soaking my bag of books and knitting. I'm sure people in the parking lot wondered what the hell was going on when I shrieked at the top of my lungs and started flinging books and yarn around the car to get them out of the coffee. So I drove to work with the scent of coffee coming up from the steaming puddle on the floor, and no actual coffee to drink. I couldn't very well go back inside and tell them WHY I needed another coffee, could I?

Heating and Cooling Hell

So, what started out as a fairly normal day has rapidly descended in to Hell. The HVAC guy came out to my place of employment to "change our filters." He decided to clean something with a particularly noxious solvent, so people were fleeing the building to get away from it. We were told it was fine, it would go away, open a couple of windows and quit bothering them. (Point of interest - this building has floor to ceiling windows, but not a single one opens. The front door is the best we can do.) About half an hour later, there is a burning smell coming from the vents. After calling the HVAC people, we were told it was fine, it would go away, open a couple of windows and quit bothering them. Once the smells were finally gone, we closed the front door and quickly noticed that it was 87 degrees in here. There is no air conditioning. We call the HVAC bag of hammers again, and I guess he meant it when he wanted us to leave him alone, because it's been FIVE HOURS with no sign of him. Does this sound like someone trying to create job security for himself? Everything was fine before he came out. We didn't call him. He just showed up! Did he maybe break it to make more money from us? Is it a conspiracy? This happens with our copier repair guy all the time. Well, after he shows up this time (if he shows up), we'll be choosing a different HVAC idiot randomly from the phone book for NEXT time. In the meantime, my normally sweet and sunny disposition has been replaced by a sweaty, snarling, frizzy haired monster. K has been trying to enlighten me with some realization techniques, so here goes - "I am the possibility of freaking out at any provocation."